Monday, November 19, 2007

Matt Bianco

Christ! This has to be up there with Modern Talking for utterly grotesque 80s shitness. Look at the cunts and tell me they don't make you want to fucking puke with their plinky-plinky oh-so-sophisticated pseudo jazz. Youtube wouldn't allow me to post the clip you really wanted to see, when they got what they so richly deserved from a prank caller on live TV. I've actually met a number of people who claimed to know, or even be the person who made the call. I don't believe any of them, but whoever did it has my heartfelt thanks. Anyone who can not only perfectly summarise but also destroy this appalling band's career in three superbly apt words should be given a knighthood.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear blogger,

the eighties were fun and Modern Talking were great, and anyway being British you're not supposed to know them. This is continental stuff and you can't understand it with your punky punkiness.

8:34 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

Dear anonymous,

If you'd read some of my previous posts you'd know that I've been a staunch defender of the 80s in the past. But some things are beyond the pale! To set you straight on some facts, Matt Bianco, despite their toe-curlingly poncey Latino name, were actually British. In addition, "Brother Louie" was a minor hit in the UK. And how long do I have to live out here before I can fully understand the depth and complexity of Modern Talking? I find your assertion nothing short of racist! How dare you!

I bet you've got a mullet!

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahah, I haven't got a mullet, I am a woman (well I suppose there could be mulleted women too...!) I do apologise though for accusing you of being hostile towards the 80's, I hadn't read your previous posts (I have now). Even if you lived here for another decade you could hardly understand what Modern Talking meant to little girls in 1985. I bet you haven't seen the record with the doves on the cover, makes me drool even now. Like you say, the 80s were far far better than the 90s, which to me are still rather non-descript. Even on this side of the iron curtain the 80's were better (whatever Marian might say).

5:23 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

Aha, so we find concord, how reassuring. Even more reassuring that you don't have a mullet! I defer to your superior knowledge of Modern Talking, I haven't seen that particular album cover. 1985 was something of a watershed year for me, when I cut off my mullet - yes, I had one! - stopped listening to Go West and Howard Jones and became a goth. No hard feelings I hope, if you're ever passing through Olomouc I'll buy you a drink!

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So "Brother Louie" made it in the UK....I gather from your blog that you speak Czech so perhaps you might appreciate the Czech rendition of "Brother Louie" with the memorable lines in the chorus that go "Brácha umí umí umí skáče jako by byl z gumy" (unfortunately not available on youtube). And I don't think you could buy me a drink since you sound like one of the Ponorka lot and I am classy bird who drinks pina colada and bang an umbrella in it.

2:55 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

I hang my head in shame, after 12 years out here I've still yet to get hold of the Czech version of Brother Louie, sounds even better than the original. OK, you see right through me, I am a ponorka type, but don't underestimate me. If you warn me in advance of your visit I promise to polish up my Doc Martens and safety pins and take you out somewhere classy for a magicke oko or krvava zada. Sophisticated? I've been to Leeds! Leeds, I tell you!

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Magicke oko? Krvava zada? You sick sick sicko!!!

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, here goes.... the things I do to edify you!!


Brácha umí ( [ originál skupina Modern Talking ], hudba a původní text Dieter Bohlen, český text Michal Bukovič, zpěv duo FILIGRÁN, rok 1986 )


Máš neskutečného bráchu, ten rozvíří oblak prachu jen, nastoupí na parket a víří, víří. Máš krásného příbuzného, vem si trochu příklad z něho, vstaň, houpej se s rytmem aspoň teď.
Refrén : Rytmus máš nulový, brácha umí, umí, umí, skáčeš jak žulový, brácha jako by byl z gumy, každý krok taneční brácha umí, umí, umí, kdo není na slečny, sotva tomu porozumí. Brácha umí, umí, umí, skáče jako by byl z gumy, tvůj brácha umí, má rád jen sebe, brácha umí, umí, umí, jenže jak se hudba ztlumí, lásce nerozumí, mám ráda tebe.

Máš neskutečného bratra, rád na všechno kouká spatra, má v úctě jen hifi věž, je zvláštní, zvláštní. Vem si svého sourozence, tvou fotku mám v peněžence, tam už se tvůj brácha nevešel.
Ref.

8:59 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

I offered to buy you a drink. You spurn me. You look down on me. Really, some people are never satisfied. (btw, I really didn't mean to offend you. Can I pacify you with a grog?)

9:03 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

Oh dear. Oh dear. Fuckin hell, why did Shakespeare bother?

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Probably a frape rather than a grog since I won't be in Olomouc until the next summer, and no offence taken of course! But seriously, I do like your blog, and reading about Olomouc when I am so far away from it is quite reassuring (it's still there and Ponorka is still as smelly and filthy as ever!).

9:40 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

It might be reassuring for you, but although I like some aspects of Ponorka, the smoke is one thing I hate and just pray that the smoking ban will come here asap. When you get back I'll be happy to buy you a frappe - for starters, then let's get pissed!

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, it's a deal, next summer when I am there we'll get pissed, see how much baileys you can handle. And I want to see those safety pins. I don't think there is much chance of the smoking ban being passed in Cesko in the foreseeable future though. Apparently there is a non-smoking pub in Olomouc now, which I can't really imagine, but it would be a good start. When you take the poison in through your stomach you might as well spare your lungs. Have a nice weekend.

12:24 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

The times they are a changing, even in Olomouc. There are at least 3 non smoking pubs here that I know of now, one of which I'm going to in a couple of minutes (I won't be drinking Baileys there I hasten to add). They do a roaring trade as well. Banning smoking in the UK would have probably been unthinkable as little as 10 years back, so this is one issue on which I'm cautiously optimistic. Anyway, stay in touch.

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Když píšeš, že žiješ v česku, tak tedy budu psát česky. Nesouhlasím, až tak, že byla skupina Modern Talking až tak hrozná, v téhle době měla určité posluchače a zařadila se do určitého trendu poslechového popu.I když spoustu lidí nedovedlo si přeložit o čem vlastně zpívají, protože angličtina nebyla naukový trend v téhle zemi,(převládala tady ruština), tak jen vnímali lidi hudbu. Jestli je to dobře, nebo né, těžko soudit. Punk to sice není, neříkám, že není punk dobrá hudba, něco se poslouchat dá,ale někdy nemá člověk možnost přes ten punkový kravál vůbec posoudi texty a rozumě říci, o čem to vlastně zpívá.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is just to say that the previous anonymous comment (the one in Czech) was written by a different 'anonymous' than all the other posts. Hey, change your name, otherwise this is going to be confusing.

Anonymous - the original one

8:43 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

Samozřejmě to všechno jde jen o můj osobní, zcela subjektivní názor. Modern Talking mi opravdu vadí z estetického hlediska, navíc aspoň pro mě ztělesňuje určité vlastnosti hlavního proudu populární kultury 80. let, které opravdu nemusím – taková vulgární komerce, která je v mé hlavě spojená i se širším kontextem, konkrétně s Thatcherismem – i když Modern Talking nebyla anglická kapela, právě v 80. letech převládala vůbec na západě filosofie volného trhu, že jediná hodnota která má význam je tržní hodnota, a to se odráželo do jisté míry i v populární kultuře. (Možná myslíš, že to beru příliš vážně když je to přece jen popová hudba, navíc že moc romantizuji nějaký docela fiktivni "underground" a hospody jako ponorka, která je koneckonců smradlavý pajzl). Je to pravda, že punkové texty jsou někdy nesrozumitelné, ale to samé platí i u mnoha dalších žánrů, a texty takových kapel jako např. Sex Pistols anebo Buzzcocks se většinou dají docela snadně rozeznat. Stejně, rád bych tu debatu pokračoval i přes mail – adresu mám ashdav@seznam.cz – mj. jsem zvědavý, kdo jsi a jak jsi ten blog vůbec našla.

9:23 PM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

Ok, well you've all got my address now, so you're welcome to write to me there if you dare reveal your real names!

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, first let me congratulate you on your Czech, it is amazing (the other anonymous blogger's too.) Thing is that you see stuff like Modern Talking in the wider socio-political context whereas to me Modern Talking just bring back personal memories of when I was about forteen. That's all. Of course I later moved on and you might find it hard to believe that the Jesus and Mary Chain are my favourite band ever, and who wouldn't like the Buzzcocks with their catchy tunes and teenage angst lyrics? Also, there has always been commercially motivated 'music', not just in the eighties and under Thatcher. What is funny though that in Cesko you would have people so keen on punk who would then go and vote the most right wing party on offer, so the whole political stuff is hard to apply. Gosh I never thought when I wrote my first comment that it would turn into me talking serious, dear goodness. I will write to your seznam account sometime when I open a new account without my real name in the address! But despite being Olomouc born and bred I seriously don't have a clue as of who you could be and I am pretty sure we have never met (I would remember the safety pins).

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Samozdřejmě, každý má právo na subjektivní názor na cokoliv. Když popisuješ 80-léta,tak to jsi asi tady nežil? Nebyl tady takový možný výběr poslechu dobré hudby a bohužel převládal do větší míry komerční pop. Bylo zde hodně věcí cenzurováno, tak se sem dostávali převážně popové prvky. Je pravda, že něco málo i z rocku, nebo metalu, ale jak říkám, převážně zahraniční pop.Těžko se soudí, proč a komu se co líbí, ale 100 lidí, 100 chutí. Na světě jsou sociální rozdíly, kultůry a tak to bude, že každý si najde to své. Ty asi punk a jiný pop. I když pop 70-let byl dost dobrý i některý z 80 let. anonymous second

11:09 AM  
Blogger ASHDAV said...

To anonymous 1 and 2, this is my final comment on the matter on this forum. For me it's impossible to entirely separate pop music from its context and misguided to try. Though I agree that there has always been commercially oriented pop, I do think that in the 80s it reached a kind of bombastic, inflated nadir of Dynasty-style tackiness which had to be toned down somewhat in the 90s. Clearly we see this from opposite sides of the iron curtain - even if, in anon 1's case at least we have physically swapped places (and btw thanks for the compliment about my Czech, but I really have been here a very long time, though not, anon 2, quite that long). Nevertheless I think there is still common ground - at the risk of offending Modern Talking fans, I think that kind of unchallenging, vacuous populism provides an appropriate soundtrack to both Thatcherism/Reaganomics and normalisation communism, both of which were quite strongly anti-intellectual. See for example how certain characters, including consummate pop artist Karel Gott, quickly and easily changed their spots from KSČ to ODS. And let's not forget how Klaus was elected president. In spirit they seem very similar to me.
As for anon 1, I find it hard to believe we haven't met - not only did I think that as a native speaker I must surely know most people in Olomouc whose English is as perfect as yours (at the very least we must have mutual acquaintances), but if, like me, your all time favourite band is the JAMC, if we haven't met we must have been living in some kind of parallel universe.
I'll be happy to debate the issue further with either of you, in Czech or English, by e-mail - my real name will be attached to my reply, so no cheating on your part (I'll give you a clue - it's not Frothing Spleen).

2:28 PM  
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